Playing the Long Game

This is a term I've been using for a while now when discussing my part of my ever evolving approach to parenting.

"Parenting is about 'playing the long game'" I have ever so wisely intoned on several occasions. I've intoned it to my parents when discussing why I've made certain decisions regarding the guys. I've intoned it to Noah and Jake when explaining why I make some of the decisions I make regarding them and what we do. I've intoned it to friends when discussing some act of parenting on either their or my own part.

I've said it a lot.

It must be true.

Right?

I mean, if you say things enough then they must be true. Seriously. Watch the news. Follow politics. The act of persuasion, which is really at the core of both the media and political machines that I've encountered anyway, works through repetition. Say it enough and, whether it actually is true or not, it becomes so.  This works especially well when the statement is short, and makes for a good metaphor. Seize it. Make it your own. Spread the good news!

Parenting is about playing the long game.

Okay, so I don't know if that is actually true or not. But I do keep saying it, so it is or has become true for me.

That said I have no idea where the phrase comes from. Is it even a reasonable metaphor to be throwing around? I don't lke when metaphors are abused. If you're going to use one then it better make sense, else your entire idea falls apart. For example:

Years ago at work my boss at the time and I were chatting one bright Monday morning and he was telling me about the recent executive retreat where they all got a copy of whatever management book was in vogue at the time and endured talks on said book, amongst other things. The books central metaphor to explain how to motivate employees was the carrot or the stick. Do we punish or reward? What provides us with the best output from the unwashed masses type-type-typing away in their cubicles?

I stopped him before he had a chance to continue. I have a bad habit of interrupting people, that I continue to try and break, and continue to fail to do so. It is getting better though.

Oh, quick thing...

Yes, its Monday morning, we're in Sweden, and have been for over a week. No, you didn't miss a post where I've shown pictures of Sweden, my family, or any of the fun things we've done. After a week here this is what you're getting. And no, don't bother scrolling down to look for a picture and then picking up the chit chat near there. There aren't any this time. Nothin' but words baby. They'll be back soon though.

So I stopped my boss and asked him to never, ever, repeat this idea to anyone. Ever.

In the carrot and stick metaphor, and I know we've all likely seen a Disney movie or something where this cliche has been illustrated, we have the poor donkey, with a burden on it's back, trudging along. There is a stick running out ahead of the donkey so that a carrot swings just out of reach of his mouth. And then there is some dude, presumably the owner, walking along beside with another stick in hand. For the most part the lure of the carrot is enough to keep the donkey going, but when he doesn't, the dude beats him with the stick until he gets going again.

"What are you talking about Chris?", my boss asked. Yes, he called me Chris. I go by Christopher but some people call me Chris and that is okay.

'False hope.", I said. "The carrot is false hope. The donkey never gets the bloody carrot. So you're basically telling us you're going to motivate us either by promising rewards that will never actually manifest themselves, or by beating us into submission."

He laughed. Which was good. It was supposed to be funny. It was also meant to be true though. So I keep telling that story, and it becomes more true every time. Except when I told my friend Zak at work and he offered an alternative opinion which I will not share here as it discredits the truth of my statement.

See? Art of persuasion people. That's what I'm talking about.

Actually, it's not what I'm talking about. I'm actually talking about parenting as a long game, in case you had forgotten. I almost did. And actually, I'm not even talking about that, but we'll get there. Eventually.

My friend Rich sent me a note the other day suggesting I rename the blog "Pardon Me, I Digress."

I'm sure you would all like to thank him for that.

Prick.

Right, parenting is the long game.

So I keep saying it, therefore it must be true. But then it occurred to me two days ago that I had no idea what the heck it meant. I mean, I know what I mean when I say "parenting is the long game'. I mean that the decisions we make as parents regarding what we think is best for our children, while needing to attend to current situations, needs to consider how we want them to be when they are adults, what we want to prepare them for, and all that. Simple example: this trip is about the long game. Sure it is disruptive of the immediate world, and had they not been doing school, which was my original plan, would have meant them being a year behind. But a year behind in the grand scheme of things, or even the medium scheme of things, is not much compared to what they would get from such a trip. Maybe not the best of examples, but hopefully you get my meaning.

So that's how I use it, but was I using it the right way, or have I misappropriated a metaphor and bent it for my own use? I am guilty of doing this all the time, especially with words in this blog. "Intone" and "misappropriated' are two fine examples in this entry alone.

I looked it up. If I am going to write about it, and keep using it, then it better be okay, else I will be guilty of abusing a metaphor, the penalty for which is, well, I don't know, but I'm sure there is a section in the Oxford Encyclopedia of Poetry and Poetics that deals with crimes and misdeamours. I'll have to look it up when I get back home. Yes, I have a copy. My Dad gave it to me the moment he heard I had enrolled in an English course at Queen's. I dutifully took it to University with me and don't think I cracked it open the entire time I was there. I have though enjoyed perusing it from time to time ever since.

Right, I looked it up, and as always, Google came to the rescue.

The link at the top of the page was most gratifying as it returned the Wikipedia entry for the Doctor Who Episode with that title.

A link a bit further down (all of the top ones were about Doctor Who) was a bit more what I was needing, not that I don't like Doctor Who, and not that that episode could not shed some light on all of this as well. It just seemed like a little too much effort to track it all down and tie it all together. Kind of like how you might be feeling right now as you read this entry. A bit further down was an article in Forbes magazine on 4 Tips to Playing the Long Game. This was getting closer, but still not quite right. Okay, and I admit to not reading the article, just quickly skimming it.

So I adjusted my search a little bit and learned about Whist.

Whist is a card game, and if you're interested in the rules you can read about them here.

If though, you are interested in understanding the entire connection between Whist and the term "playing the long game" then you can read a lovely little article on it here. Apparently I was not the only one interested, but this person was actually willing to put in the leg work, so to her goes the credit.

The short version is that in 1785 someone tried playing a half-game version of Whist. This caught on, and became more popular than the traditional game, and thus was introduced the terms of playing the 'short game' and playing the "long game".

So I'm good. Doctor Who, Forbes, and the etymology of this phrase (assuming phrases can have an etymology) all suggest that I am using this term fairly correctly when I slap the words "Parenting is about..." in front of them.

Why does this matter?

It doesn't. At least, I don't think that it does. Maybe all this rambling is relevant to what I am trying to get to, I don't know, I haven't gotten there yet. We'll find out together I suppose. Perhaps all of this typing is a way for me to slowly figure out how to explain something that does actually matter, and is just giving me time for my brain to put it together right. You may wish that I would have done that silently, but there you go. No one forced you to be here.

Noah and Jake have decided to return to Toronto, each for reasons of their own. They do so tomorrow. I'm not going to go into those reasons. Like I've said before, that is their story, and for them to tell if and when and how and to whom they choose. What I will say here is that I fully respect their right to make this decision, the process they each went through to arrive at said decision, and the decision that each has made for themselves. It's all good. I was never sure whether we would be gone the entire year. That was more of a marker for definitely needing to return by rather than an actual finish line that required crossing.

So, some of you may be reading this and saying "What? It's an incredible opportunity. They don't know what they'll be missing and years from now they'll regret it and ask you why you ever let them go. Don't do it. Make them stay. What about all that crap you just said about the long game? Don't you believe the shite you are telling us? Did you just drag us all through that detritus you call prose just to tell us you didn't have the stones to stand by it when push came to shove?"

Well, if you are thinking that then stop.

This is when I think of Aslan. Yes, Aslan, the lion (if you want to call him that) from "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe".

When Aslan, having been sacrificed on the altar in place of Edmund Pevensie as per the rules of the old magic, comes back even bigger and better than ever, he explains to Lucy and Susan that there is an even "older magic".

Well, I guess what my response would be is that:

"There is a longer game."

That sounds way better if you hear it with Liam Neeson saying it by the way.

Many adventures have been had in the time we've been travelling. Many things have been learned. The experiences gained over this long summer will be a part of Noah and Jake forever. They will have one more bit of experience that inform their decisions. And the world isn't going anywhere. Sure, it's changing, but it's not like Spain, or Morocco, or Nepal won't be there should the guys ever decide they want to go. And the experiences they will have back home this coming year with friends and family are just as important and meaningful as the ones they would have had if they were here. Just different is all.

But they get the right to choose. And they get the right to be making the "big" decisions for themselves. They get to do that. They've reached the point in their lives where it is more important than ever to support them in doing that. That is their right. It's pretty much how they've been raised from the get go. This is not the time to yank that all away. That is the wrong lesson. That is hypocrisy, and I really can't stand hypocrisy. Suggest, offer opinions, provide guidance. All those are the good things that parents can give their teens. Decide? That is for them to do.

So yes, they are heading home tomorrow. I am happy for them, as they are making the right decisions for themselves. I am sad for me, as I will miss them very much. I had not intended on doing this trip by myself. When you look at what I wrote about in the springtime when I started this blog you will see a whole lot of things about why I felt I needed to give my sons this opportunity. Well, I needed to give myself this opportunity too. And I'm not done with it. Noah and Jake are good with my decision, in fact I think they would not want it any other way. I could be wrong about that mind you, but I trust my sons.

So there you go.